


extraordinary, ordinary life

by jiaras



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29117229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiaras/pseuds/jiaras
Summary: It happened the first time his father knocked him unconscious. The time travel, that is.• • •AU in which JJ Maybank is born with a very special ability: jumping back in time and changing all the decisions he regrets.Might as well put it to good use and make things right with one Kiara Carrera.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 51
Collections: Jiara January 2021





	extraordinary, ordinary life

**Author's Note:**

> the title comes from the film ''About Time'', one of my favourites (highly recommend)
> 
> just couldn't let the jiara january event pass by without writing a lil something now, could I?
> 
> this was inspired by the last gift made by the lovely, talented lara

It happened the first time his father knocked him unconscious. The time travel, that is.

He was eleven years old and had wreaked havoc during art class at school — but hey, in his defense, who the hell thought that giving a bunch of kids unlimited access to all kinds of paint supplies from Home Depot was a good idea? JJ had simply acted as any Cut-raised, Maybank young boy would, but of course Luke Maybank was not too cheerful about having his son suspended for five days, all up in his business at home.

It wasn’t JJ’s first time taking a beating either, but completely blacking out from it was new. He knew he was a goner as soon as his father’s fist collided with his jaw for the fourth time in a row, and on his way down, before his head was about to hit the floor, his only thoughts were _please, don’t let him kill him while I’m out_.

But JJ didn’t die. Or, at least, he was _pretty sure_ he didn’t die, though the jury was still out. 

He had heard Big John mention once or twice that, whenever his blood pressure dropped and he fainted, he’d had full, colorful, vivid dreams — JJ had only imagined that his own dreams caused by a right hook to the jaw would be a tad bit more creative than being in his usual boring skin, back at that same old art class.

‘’Bro, are you crazy?’’ John B asked, though the teasing half-smile on his face proved he wasn’t so mad about the disruption. ‘’Teach is going to kill you dead.’’

Pope sighed, wide-eyed. ‘’You can just say kill, it’s pretty self explanatory that he’ll be dead.’’

‘’Not the time, Pope,’’ John B scoffed. ‘’Not the time.’’

Great, just what JJ needed — to relieve the chaotic morning that had gotten him in trouble in the first place. Ms. Wilson already stood by the door, rooted to the ground in utter panic thanks to the chilling sight of her classroom’s walls covered in splashes of paint. Earlier that day, JJ had taken the smile to send a cheeky smile her way and mumble that the piece of paper they were given just wasn’t big enough for his creativity, but this time he figured that _fuck it_ , might as well just get it over and done with so he can wake up and make sure his face is protected from his father’s wrath.

‘’Let me guess,’’ he said with a sigh. ‘’Principal’s office?’’

The teacher simply shook her head yes, as if it took everything in her to not call him a little shit. JJ only hoped that he’d wake up soon, and not have to dream about taking a beating while he was _actually_ taking a beating in real life — weren’t dreams supposed to be good, anyway? He’d have to call Big John a liar later that day, or a lucky bastard at least, dreaming about pirate ships and lost treasures.

On his way out the classroom, JJ stared down at the shy girl with her curly brown hair in two braids and wrists fully occupied by beaded bracelets. He had ignored her last time, as he usually did when it came to girls, only to spend the next couple of hours thinking about the painting on her desk — the golden sand, soft clouds and tall waves that reminded him of Rodanthe. It was good, _actually_ good, and as his father belittled him with a drink in his hand, all JJ could do was stare at his colorless fridge and hope that the girl’s painting was proudly displayed in her parents’ kitchen, whoever they were.

‘’That’s real cool,’’ he said, which is not something he’d usually do (be nice to strangers, that is), but it’s not like it’d matter anyway. The girl continued to stare at him, as if waiting for the joke, so JJ felt the need to continue, ‘’I mean it. Make sure you still remember us when you’re famous.’’

The girl smiled. And everything disappeared.

JJ regained consciousness with a pounding headache and the less than ideal realization that he might have lost a tooth or two. Whatever, he wasn’t all that opposed to getting a shark tooth necklace at the pier to make up for the loss, and at least his dad hadn’t continued the attack while he was down, instead retreating back to the ripped couch with a beer in hand.

Everything was normal at the Maybank household. His dad would be passed out all night, his mother would be working late ( _so_ late, that she’d not even run into Luke), and JJ would be attempting to sleep and, unfortunately, failing thanks to the awful feeling that his head might explode any second. 

But then, a week later when he could at last return to school, there was a painting of a beach inside his locker with a bright green post-it note on top that said nothing but ‘ _thanks_ ’. The girl smiled at him again. And a whole new world appeared.

He did blame it on all the hits he took to his head, at first. Surely if a young boy gets punched in the jaw more than a couple of times by an angry adult, it’s plausible that he might confuse real events and things that happened in his dreams. Of course he got everything mixed up and had complimented the girl’s painting in real life too, not only in his head.

_Right?_

Well, that theory didn’t last for long. About three months after the first episode, while out during a storm surfing with Pope, John B and the girl he had come to know as Kiara, JJ fell off his board and remained underwater long enough to pass out. Funny enough, the last thing he thought about before what he was pretty sure was imminent death, was those god damned french fries he had for lunch.

In his defense, they weren’t just fries — they were Kiara’s dad’s chilli cheese fries with extra toppings, very spicy, and best of all, _free_. So suddenly, there he was, sitting down at The Wreck in the early afternoon with his stomach full for the first time in days, laughing with his group of friends as they threw jalapeños at the other table, the one with the Kooks. 

‘’I hear there’s a storm tonight.’’ Pope announced.

‘’So what?’’ John B nearly choked, and then took a big sip of his drink. ‘’That’s when the waves are best.’’

Might as well save dream world JJ from drowning, right? It’s not as if he had anything better to do, especially if he really was dead.

‘’Let’s just stay at the Chateau tonight,’’ JJ suggested, and his three friends stared at him wide-eyed. It wasn’t a secret that surfing during a bad storm was one of JJ’s favourite activities, and that agreeing with Pope was one of his least favourite ones. ‘’Come on, Kie, what’s that movie you said you wanted to watch?’’

‘’ _Blue Planet_?’’ Kiara asked, arms crossed on the table. ‘’It’s a documentary, not a movie.’’

JJ dismissed her comment with a simple hand wave. ‘’Whatever, same thing.’’

‘’Actually, a documentary’s goal is to educate and inspire,’’ Pope said as a matter of factly. ‘’Movies are generally looking for entertainment.’’

‘’No one cares, Pope,’’ John B, only to immediately shift his gaze to JJ. ‘’Bro, why watch the ocean through a screen when we can be in it?’’

‘’Just tonight, dude,’’ JJ threw a french fry into his mouth, and then one John B’s way. He didn’t catch it. ‘’We’ll go tomorrow and stay _all fuckin’ day_ , how about that?’’

And so they did, because JJ could be quite convincing when he really wanted to — plus, he knew Kiara wouldn’t let go of a chance to have all of them watch that documentary she wouldn’t stop casually bringing into every conversation, and he also knew that Pope did not want to go surfing in the first place, not during a storm. 

Easy like that, they spent the rest of the day eating the snacks they stole from Pope’s house, drinking the beer they stole from Big John and watching the DVDs they stole from Kiara’s dad. JJ didn’t drown, and he was pretty sure he didn’t die either — the next morning, he woke up as safe as he could be to the sound of Kiara’s soft snoring. JJ thought it was pretty cute, but it’s not as if he would tell her that, so instead he joked that she snored louder than Big John after a night of drinking.

What was that thing his mother used to say? _One is an accident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern._ Well, it continued to happen after that, time after time, and considering JJ liked to think that he wasn’t a complete nut job, there was only one plausible answer, of course: _time travel_. Surely with a father like the one he had, living where he did, JJ had to have at least something going for him, and that was it — second and third and fourth chances to do things right.

He tried making it more interesting for a while, figured it’d be fun to see a T-Rex or go to a Nirvana concert, but soon realised that he only seemed to be able to go back to the places he was once at — which was disappointing in a way, but whatever, better than nothing. 

Also ran to tell John B about his recent findings, as any eleven year old boy would. John B laughed, and asked if he had started smoking his cousin’s weed recently — he hadn’t, by the way, but would start in a few weeks once he realised that if he smoked the right amount, he’d be sedated enough to black out. JJ didn’t try telling anyone after that. It’s not as if he could prove it, especially to a guy like Pope, who lived and breathed facts and science, and he didn’t want Kiara to think he was even crazier than she probably already thought he was.

It was easier than it should have been for JJ to pass out for his jump backs, with all the times he was cornered by his father at home or by Kooks while out mowing lawns on Figure 8, plus the surfing accidents and the over the top drinking he wasn’t totally opposed to as a young boy. By his next birthday, he was jumping back on a regular basis, at least once every month — sometimes on his own accord, but others he just couldn’t help it.

The moments he’d jump back to weren’t random either, JJ soon figured out. In those few seconds before passing out, when your mind is hazy and you know what’s going to happen, that you can’t stop it or control it, that’s when he had to think fast and hard about where he was going. Just think, simple as that — he’d put the scenery in his mind first, make himself feel what he was feeling at that time, and then the smells would start to appear, the wind on his face, the sun in his eyes. 

Sometimes he’d go back to eat a good meal, just because he was feeling hungry, or to take a test again with the correct answers memorized. JJ figured everything he was doing was pretty harmless, just small things he could do to make his and his friends’ lives better, stop them from being humiliated by Kooks, from getting hurt, from messing up too bad. Of course, when Kiara forgot about her curfew and was grounded for two weeks, he had to jump back and remind yesterday’s Kiara that she shouldn’t fall asleep by his side on the pull out couch, as much as he wanted her to. 

And then his mother left, and he was naive enough to think he could fix it. 

He was spending the night at John B’s, as usual, when she packed up quietly during the night and left without as much as a note. If only he could reach her in time, if only he could ask her to stay, he was _sure_ she would understand why he needed her. But he was never able to — he was too far away, always a minute too late no matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried.

Oh, he tried. He’d pick fights with Kooks, call his dad a fucking asshole and surf too close to the rocks only to have another chance, just one more chance at bringing her back.

‘’JJ, what the hell?’’ Kiara pressed her lips with a slight frown. There was worry in her voice, and it made him want to crawl into a hole. ‘’Are you trying to get yourself killed?’’

 _Just close to it_ , he thought, but was smart enough to say it out loud. Something in Kiara’s burning gaze made it clear that she wasn’t up for a joke. 

He was about to go over to an entire group of Kooks by the Country Club and make fun of their stupid polo shirts and say whatever he needed to say to give himself a mild concussion. With his luck, of course Kiara just had to be there with her parents having an early lunch.

Since JJ didn’t respond, Kiara crossed her arms. She only did that when she was angry at one of her boys. 

‘’I know you have like, a death wish or some shit,’’ she paused to take a deep breath, and then continued, ‘’But some people actually care about you and are tired of seeing you get hurt.’’

He wondered if his mom cared. It hurt when the first thought in his mind was _probably not_.

‘’My mom left.’’ JJ said before he could swallow the words. He was yet to talk about it with anyone, and his friends knew better than to push him.

The comment obviously took Kiara by surprise. Her gaze fixed on him, not in pity, but what seemed like pure worry, like she maybe thought that Georgia Maybank leaving was the thing that would at last drive JJ over the edge.

‘’I know.’’ Kiara said, and then bit her bottom lip. 

She had braces back then, bright orange, and JJ knew she was self-conscious about them. He figured one of these days he might jump back to the day she first left the dentist’s office and tell her they look badass. 

‘’Do you want to talk about it?’’ she asked, most definitely knowing the answer already. JJ shook his head no, so she continued, ‘’Ok. But come find me when you do.’’

Even JJ had to agree that he had been playing with fire at the time, getting too hurt in such a short amount of time. He needed a better plan, and it seemed obvious — don’t go back to a time when she had already made the decision to leave. Go back to the first time you noticed she was unhappy.

That moment was as clear as day in his mind. He was nine, and his father had just broken their new TV in a fit of rage. The man left his wife and son to pick up the pieces, to clean his mess as he usually did, and though JJ’s childhood was less than ideal, until that moment he had the innocent idea that his mother was, in the purest sense of the word, _happy_. That rainy mid-January day changed everything for him, and it was time to face his demons and go back.

He had never jumped back so many years. It was a strange feeling to have his arms and legs shorten, to be wearing the dinosaur shirt that had been thrown away on his eleventh birthday. To see his mother again, all blue eyes and blonde hair, looking more tired than he remembered. 

All it took was a few more drinks than he could handle to be there again, being embraced by the woman who left. Oh, he hadn’t felt so much like a child in so long, that it took him a few minutes to even look her in the eyes — and when he did, all he saw was sadness, the type of sadness that had been growing bit by bit every day for a really long time. 

‘’We’re getting out of here soon,’’ she said. He didn’t remember her saying that before. ‘’And then we’ll be happy.’’

She cried while she held him tight in her arms, and JJ didn’t ask her to stay. Because, years from then, deep down, all he wanted was for her to be happy — even if that meant leaving him behind.

When he came back, his mother still gone, JJ walked all the way to Kiara’s new house — she had left the Cut with her parents the year before, and the Pogues were yet to visit. It was big and beautiful, so clean that JJ felt he was messing up the scenery just by ringing the doorbell.

She answered the door and threw her arms around him, bringing him into a tight hug. Only then JJ realised he had been crying, and how much he needed someone to hold him and tell him everything was going to be ok.

‘’My mom left.’’ He said once again, but this time firmly, knowing that he couldn’t interfere with his mother’s decision and forgive himself for it.

Kiara hugged him long enough for him to be able to hear her breathing, and her lips brushed his ear when she whispered, ‘’I know.’’ Her voice broke, her own tears streaming down her cheek and onto JJ’s shirt.

And because JJ feared he might explode if he didn’t let his feelings out only for a day, only a second longer, he confessed, ‘’I don’t want to be alone.’’

‘’You’ll never be alone. You have us,’’ Kiara whispered. ‘’You’ll always have us.’’

But Kiara Carrera, for the first time since JJ had met her, lied. 

When she had the chance to finally be accepted by the Kooks at her new fancy school, she took it, and fuck, a ( _small_ ) part of JJ couldn’t even blame her for it. She had been miserable ever since her parents forced her out of Kildare County High, and it might even have been JJ’s own fault and the stupid jumping back that seemed to do more harm than good. 

She cried to him about how much they hated her. JJ told her there was no way they did, because who the fuck could ever hate Kiara Carrera? But she was inflexible. One day after lunch, Kiara called him and he could barely hear her behind the desperate weeping he had never once in his life seen coming from her. The stupid bastards threw a bunch of milkshakes at her in front of the entire school, and Kiara, his best friend Kiara who usually had an answer for everything, was so mortified that all she did was grab her bag and leave. 

Oh, how JJ felt his blood boil. The more she cried, the more he wanted to walk over to the Kook Academy and make those preppy idiots regret they were ever born. Too bad that wouldn’t help her at all, would it? Much on the contrary, they’d probably only pick on her more and more.

JJ couldn’t have that, wouldn’t be able to hear her sadness through the phone again before having his own heart shatter into a million tiny little pieces, so he did what he knew he had to do — walked over to John B and dared him to punch him in the face as hard as he could. 

Sarah Cameron was nice to Kiara on occasion. Was the nicest one of them all, Kiara mentioned once — that doesn’t say much considering Kooks are mostly a bunch of pricks, but it was something, and JJ was counting on the fact that the blonde wouldn’t stand for a group humiliating Kiara that way. 

Thankfully, he’d ran into the girl a few days before right outside The Wreck. This time though, instead of choosing to ignore the presence of the self-proclaimed Kook princess, he walked straight towards her and asked, as if he didn’t already know, ‘’You’re Sarah, right?’’

The girl stopped dead in her tracks. Looked at him from head to toe, and didn’t seem all too confident when she said, ‘’I am.’’

It sounded more like a question than it did an answer, but he figured he shouldn’t mention it considering that he was about to ask for a favour. 

‘’And you know Kie?’’ JJ asked, only to correct, ‘’Kiara, I mean.’’

Sarah looked over her shoulder — there Kiara was, hair pulled up and face shining with grease, waiting for JJ to walk through the door and sneak him some fries without her dad noticing. 

‘’I do.’’ She said unceremoniously. 

That was as far as his plan went, so he had to improvise. Just being honest and hoping she’s enough of a good person to do the right thing seemed like the best option.

‘’This is gonna sound real weird, so don’t ask me how I know, but next Tuesday a bunch of little assholes you call friends are planning to pull a definitely not funny, very messed up prank on her,’’ he said without as much as taking a breath, ‘’And you’re not going to let that happen, right?’’

Sarah stared at him dumbfounded, as if she couldn’t quite process what he had just said. Her mouth opened and then closed a few times, looking too much like a fish underwater.

‘’Because Kie’s so fuckin’ cool,’’ JJ shifted his weight between his feet and rocked from side to side. ‘’Like, she’s the coolest person I know. And she’s funny as hell too, and super smart, and you’d be lucky as fuck to be her friend. But don’t tell her I said any of that.’’

The blonde crossed her arms and grinned. ‘’Why not?’’

JJ mirrored her body’s movement, protecting his chest. He was afraid Sarah could see how fast it was beating. ‘’’Cause it ain’t matter. Just don’t let them pull anything and we’re good, _capiche_?’’

She shook her head yes, though the knowing grim didn’t leave her face. ‘’Got it.’’

So, like it or not, it was mostly JJ’s fault that once he regained consciousness, Kiara was suddenly nothing short of infatuated by Sarah Cameron. He should’ve expected, really — ever since the Carerras bought that extravagant house all the way out in Figure 8, Pope had been warning the other two boys that their days with Kiara were counted. JJ told Pope he was crazy. And JJ was wrong.

Her departure from the Pogues was slow but steady. It started with her being late to their Boneyard meetups and ended with her not even bothering to show up at all, not as much as a text to justify her absence. JJ was so angry at her for leaving, and even angrier at himself for ever believing that she wouldn’t.

He saw her for the first time in nearly three months at a Kook party that he didn’t even want to go to, though John B was pretty convincing once he mentioned all the free food and drinks they’d be able to lay their hands on. Well, not even all the free food and drinks in the whole world would make up for the way a heavy weight seemed to press on his chest as soon as she walked into the room, robbing him of breath.

Her hair was down and straight, wrists lacking the colorful bracelets JJ always thought were so _just Kiara_. She didn’t look like their Kie, not at all — just a version of her from another universe that JJ didn’t want to be a part of. 

She smiled when she saw him. In response, he turned his back to leave.

Fuck finding John B and Pope, he would be fine walking all the way back to The Cut as long as he didn’t have to force himself to have a nice, casual conversation with one of the only people he thought wouldn’t leave him. 

JJ loved four people in his life — his mom, Kiara, John B and Pope. Two left and took half his heart with them. Sometimes, if he thought about it, it felt a lot like dying, and when Kiara went after him at that party, when she yelled out his name, though having her close to him again was what he wanted most, JJ couldn’t help but hate her for it. 

‘’The fuck do you want, Kie?’’ His voice was loud and harsh, and clearly took her by surprise. 

She put her hands in her jacket’s pockets as if JJ hadn’t already noticed that she wasn’t wearing their friendship bracelet. The one he still stupidly wore, like the sentimental idiot he was deep down.

‘’Just thought I’d say hi.’’ Kiara explained after a mirthless chuckle.

Was that pain in her face, or were his eyes playing a trick on him?

‘’Let me guess, you want to show your little Kook friends that you used to rough it up with some dirty Pogues from The Cut, yeah?’’

He wanted her to hurt. And then seeing her hurting just hurt him more than he ever thought possible.

‘’It’s not like that,’’ she whimpered, and JJ could barely hear her through the music. ‘’I just miss you guys.’’

 _So come back_ , he thought. Instead, he said, loud and clear, ‘’Fuck you.’’

Her nose crinkled up and she ran a hand through her hair. ‘’You don’t have to be a dick about it, JJ.’’

A tendril of panic seized his chest and his heart thumped against his rib cage. He was angry at her for leaving, angry at Pope for being right, angry at John B for not giving a damn and angry at himself for loving her and letting himself believe she loved him too. Maybe, at the time, he didn’t quite process what that love actually meant or what type of love it even was, but _it was_ love nonetheless, and sometimes the people you care most about are the easiest ones to lash out at.

‘’That’s real rich coming from you,’’ he shrugged. ‘’You drop us the moment you find some Kooks who’ll pretend they like you, but I’m the dick.’’

Kiara stared at him, brown eyes wide and eyebrows raised. ‘’What, because no one could _actually_ like me, is that it?’’

‘’Trust me Kie, I know how easy it is to like you,’’ his voice came sharp and tight, not wanting it to sound even close to a compliment. ‘’But these Kooks don’t like anyone or anything but themselves and their stupid fuckin’ cars.’’

Tears pricked at the back of his eyes and he’d never felt this pathetic in his life — grasping at straws and looking for any signs of regret in her eyes. But all he could see was sadness.

‘’They’re not your real friends,’’ JJ continued, because he’d already gone far enough to just stop now. ‘’You left your real friends. You abandoned us, you abandoned _me_ , after you fucking promised that you wouldn’t.’’

Kiara looked as if she was about to say something, but bit her mouth shut before she could. It might’ve been a trick of the lights, but JJ could’ve sworn he saw tears threatening to escape her eyes and run down her rosy cheeks. 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Kiara said after a long moment of silence.

JJ shook his head. ‘’That ain’t gonna cut it, Kie,’’ he said. ‘’Your word isn’t worth shit.’’

He left the party after that, but not before grabbing way more expensive booze than he’d be able to handle. Drank it all on his walk back, the loud beeping of the cars behind him only urging him on, and spotted the Chateau way ahead for a mere half a second before his vision darkened and he fell to the ground.

So he jumped back to the beginning of that stupid party only this time, when Kiara looked at him and smiled, he smiled back. It came to him that even though he was hurting, it didn’t mean that Kiara had to hurt too.

And then, months after their little encounter, getting her back felt like coming home. 

It had no interference from JJ’s abilities either, which only made everything even more satisfying — knowing that, following her own heart only, she was at last able to open her eyes and see who were the people who truly, fully, completely cared about her. And a big part of JJ wished that he’d made the sudden reappearance harder on Kiara, that he’d made her beg for their forgiveness and given her the silent treatment for at least a whole month, but he couldn’t, not considering how much he missed her, the way she’d hug him goodnight and make every room she walked into smell of lavender and honey.

Safe to say the only bad part about her return was that she didn’t come alone — with her, there was the light brown haired Ethan Garner, her new boyfriend. A Kook, but from a new money family that worked in tech, which meant he was no salmon polo wearing Cameron who thought his shit didn’t stink. Even Pope and John B liked the guy, and that was no easy feat — John B because Ethan had good taste in music and liquor, and Pope because the boy would entertain all his science talks and actually have his own thoughts on it.

JJ didn’t have any reason whatsoever to dislike Ethan. Except for the fact that Ethan was dating Kiara, and though JJ wasn’t ready to admit this fact out loud, it tore his soul into a thousand tiny little pieces to see her with someone that wasn’t him. 

Maybe if she had chosen Pope and John B, then it wouldn’t hurt this much — because JJ loved his Pogues more than anything in the world, and trusted them with his entire heart, knew they’d be deserving of Kiara and would treat her kindly and respectfully like the badass that she was. He couldn’t trust just any guy to do the same, not after all the shit he’d seen in his own home and all around the island, from The Cut to Figure 8.

So he stuck around. Never said no to a group hangout, never complained about Ethan showing up unannounced and making himself at home with the Pogues, because as long as Kiara was happy, he’d do his best to be happy too — and the first moment she wasn’t, he’d be there for her as any friend should. 

That moment came almost three years after she started dating Ethan, when the boy suddenly decided (without Kiara’s input, of course) that he wouldn’t be taking a gap year and backpacking across Europe with her as they had planned — he’d be staying in the Outer Banks instead, working with his father. 

He blindsided her with the news only a week before they were supposed to hop on a one way flight to London, and JJ was the first person Kiara told about it as she paced around his self-proclaimed room at the Chateau. It was the day after their high school graduation, and JJ’s head was still buzzing from all the drinks they’d shared at the Boneyard the night before.

‘’I could kill him.’’ Kiara pinched her nose until it was red, her back against the door. Her voice sounded hoarse and tired, and JJ could easily picture the girl yelling at her now ex-boyfriend through the phone for the past few hours.

‘’Let me know if you need a getaway driver,’’ JJ said in a failed attempt to lighten the mood. If Kiara chuckled at the comment, he didn’t notice. ‘’I did say I’d make the dude’s life a living hell if he ever made you cry, so. The offer stands.’’

‘’I’m not crying because I’m sad, I’m crying because I’m angry,’’ she said, but then dragged her feet and added, ‘’Fine, maybe I’m a little sad.’’

JJ was still lying on the bed, not having moved an inch since Kiara barged in. She was never a big crier, and whenever she did cry, it bothered her to have other people see it — he figured that looking up at the ceiling while a few tears streamed down her cheeks would make her feel comfortable alone to not leave and deal with everything on her own. As JJ himself had done many times before.

‘’Just because we broke up, doesn’t mean you and the guys can’t still hang out with him. I know you’re staying in the OBX and so is Ethan, so I get it if—’’

‘’I fucking will not, thank you very much,’’ JJ sat up in bed in a sudden desperate need to make sure she knew he was being honest. ‘’Kie, I was only ever hanging out with him because I wanted to hang out with _you_ , that was it.’’

Kiara took a few steps forward until she could sit down in bed next to him. Her moves weren’t hesitant — they were comfortable, certain, and JJ dared for a second believe that he was as much of her safe place as she was his. 

There were tiny braids all over her hair and her skin smelled sweet like honey. JJ could not fathom what had to be going through Ethan’s mind to not grab onto Kiara and never let her go, to have such a girl give him her heart and not take care of it as if his life depended on it. Oh, only God knew that if JJ was ever gifted with Kiara’s heart he’d put it over his own body and soul, always and forever, for better or worse.

‘’If you ask me, he’s a fuckin’ idiot,’’ he sighed, hand running through his hair and pulling at the strands. ‘’Anyone would be the happiest little shit alive for getting to see the world with you.’’

‘’Even you?’’ Kiara asked.

JJ swallowed hard, then said, ‘’Especially me.’’ 

Kiara’s lips twisted into a hard line and all JJ wanted to do was to kiss the bewildered frown off her face. So he did.

He kissed her hard and deep, all the feelings and wishes that had been bottled up over the past few years suddenly erupting and turning his bones into ash. Only a moment before JJ could get in his own head and start to regret what he’d just done, Kiara kissed him back.

And everything in life, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, finally made sense.

Her lips tasted like weed and chamomile tea, and JJ was immediately intoxicated by it — their mouths connected were his lifeline, and the moment he didn’t have that he might as well spontaneously combust. Even thinking about it, about losing her and missing her felt like too much, and he could do nothing but focus on what was happening then, on Kiara climbing up his lap and pulling him closer.

JJ’s heart beat faster and faster, their bodies pressed together hard enough for them to hear each other’s breathing. Her arms were around him and he could think of nothing more electrifying than the lavender scent of her shampoo, a sudden sensation of warmth and devotion running through his veins that he’d never once experienced, not even after kissing so many girls over the years. 

Everything he’d heard about in songs and movies before was suddenly, for the first time, understandable — love, relationships, choosing someone to live your life with, having someone to live your life _for_. Because if only he could have Kiara in his arms forever, soft face inclined towards his and her mouth on his, he knew he’d be ok. JJ had never before this day had the feeling that, in the end, he would be all right.

Breathing deeply, Kiara looked up, still in his arms, and broke the kiss. The fireworks glowing inside JJ died down as a single tear rolled down the girl’s cheek, and she said, ‘’I can’t.’’

Her hair was disheveled from JJ raking his fingers through it repeatedly. Ice coated his sink once he realised that, while him kissing her had been the fulmination of years of repressed feelings, of him loving her truly and deeply, her kissing him back had been nothing but the result of her heart being broken by the person she loved. 

That person wasn’t him, JJ thought, and his throat closed up. 

He really needed a fucking smoke.

‘’I’m leaving next week,’’ Kiara said, her fingers pressed into the right side of his neck. ‘’I just can’t.’’

And if JJ had stopped for even a second to think about her words long and hard, he might have realised that maybe, _just maybe_ , she wasn’t kicking herself over kissing him while she still loved Ethan, but over taking so long to kiss JJ even though she’d loved him all along. 

But he didn’t. Because he was stubborn, because he never figured he’d be good enough for her anyway and because it was too hard to think straight when he couldn’t breath. _She loves him_ , JJ thought. _She’ll regret this_. _She already regrets this_. 

He didn’t want Kiara to have to live with the pain of not being loved back, so he did the only thing the thought was right — walked all the way to his father’s house, picked a fight with Luke over nothing in particular and let the man hit the back of his head with a wrench. 

Jumping back to the last time he’d seen Ethan, long before the boy had the chance to break Kiara’s heart and even longer before JJ probably ruined their friendship by kissing her, he pushed the boy into a room at the Chateau, locked the door and said, ‘’Go with Kiara or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.’’

Ethan’s green eyes stared into space, puzzled. ‘’I don’t know what you mean.’’

‘’I’m saying that _a lot_ of people would want to be in your place, so don’t take her for granted, don’t you dare just fuckin’ give up.’’

JJ wouldn’t, not if even for a second he believed Kiara reciprocated his feelings. And neither did Ethan after their little talk. 

Their fight never happened, they never broke up, and JJ and Kiara never kissed. Not in the real world, at least — the one JJ was certain he’d fixed. He’d proudly carry the memory of her soft skin against his and the sweet taste of her lips by himself if that meant Kiara wouldn’t shed a tear over it, he would wave her and her boyfriend goodbye and help them carry their bags into the car as if he didn’t love her, as if he didn’t know she was the only person he could ever love like that. 

And fuck, did it hurt. It hurt so bad that, for the next six months, whenever he’d take a breath it’d feel like he wasn’t inhaling any oxygen and his lungs would burn. He was permanently staying with John B and Big John at the Chateau then, but not even filling every hour of his day with work and surf and more work seemed to help his mind off the beautiful wreck that was Kiara Carrera.

It became a habit of his to get hammered on the weekends and jump back to some of his favourite days. He never changed anything about them — was careful enough to repeat the same words, order the same food, choose the same movie and make the exact same choices from the original moment, not wanting to interfere and return to the present to see that he’d messed something up. 

Some moments couldn’t be topped, anyway. Graduation night, when they were all together, a little tipsy and too hopeful for the future. The first time Big John introduced JJ as _his son_. His 12th birthday, when Kiara gave him a collection of friendship bracelets and told him they’d be friends always and forever. Sophomore year, when he officially moved out of his dad’s house and was welcomed at the Chateau with a party. Random days with Kiara of them not doing anything special at all, just smoking weed in the hammocks and talking about waves and God and the universe.

JJ moved on with his life as best as he could. Dated, partied, even travelled a bit, doing what was possible to ignore the hole in his chest that grew bigger each day, the one that screamed and ached for the girl he loved then, loved now, and would continue to love as long as his heart was left beating.

Then she called him on a tuesday in the middle of the night, and any progress he had made moving on was thrown out the window. He could tell by her voice she’d been crying, so he leaped out of bed just in case she needed him to pack a bag and meet her on the other side of the world. 

‘’Hey, J’’, she sniffled. ‘’Sorry, were you asleep?’’

He was. He had an early shift at work in only a few hours, but also didn’t want to risk her hanging up, so he lied, ‘’Nah, I was just having’ a smoke. How are you, you good?’’

She took a deep breath. ‘’I’m sorry I haven’t really called.’’

‘’’S okay, I know you and Ethan have a lot going on.’’

He still talked to her all the time. In the past, over milkshakes from her father’s restaurant on warm mid-summer afternoons and school nights with a blunt in one hand and an ice cold beer in the other. Not as much in the present though, that’s for sure — he hadn’t quite realised how different it felt until she mentioned it.

‘’We don’t have anything going on’’, she cleared her throat, maybe waiting for JJ to say something. He didn’t, so she continued, ‘’We broke up like, I think on the first month of our trip.’’

‘’Oh?’’ 

‘’Yeah, it was kind of over the moment I found out he’d been cheating on me with his ex the whole entire time.’’

JJ could feel his jaw tense, anger rolling through him like a dark, chilled wave. Of course he didn’t _give_ Kiara to Ethan, she wasn’t a thing to be given or a prize to be collected, but he did make the choice to step back, to bottle up his feelings and stay silent because he thought the boy would treat Kiara kindly and be mindful of her heart. Hearing the news that Ethan had done something like that came as a form of betrayal to JJ himself, regret burning his veins for having jumped back and told Ethan to follow Kiara on her trip in the first place.

‘’Jesus Christ, Kie,’’ he gritted his teeth in quiet fury, ‘’You know I’ll kick his fuckin’ ass if I ever see him, right?’’

‘’Oh, I know,’’ Kiara chuckled. It calmed JJ — hearing her laugh. ‘’And I’m pretty sure he knows it too, so I wouldn’t expect to see him in the Outer Banks anytime soon. But don’t worry, I’m over it.’’

Except he was pretty certain she had been crying before calling, and in fear that she might not trust him as much as she once did, JJ asked, ‘’Kie, you know you don’t have to pretend that you’re not sad, yeah? Not with me, anyway.’’

‘’I’m not sad because of Ethan. The moment it was over, I felt, fuck—,’’ she took a deep breath, and then another. JJ could hear her pacing around the room, wherever she was. He had forgotten to ask. ‘’I felt relieved. Like we shouldn’t have even been together in the first place and the universe was just fixing everything that was wrong.’’

JJ walked over to the closed door and let his head hit the wood with a loud thud. Though Big John spent most of his days out at sea and John B insisted that JJ’s presence at the Chateau was a given, he’d been working extra hours lately to be able to afford his own place in the near future. He often pictured how lonely that’d feel — sleeping alone only to wake up alone, every day all and the same. He had never once felt lonely when Kiara was around.

‘’Plus, he said that for our whole relationship he felt as if I was emotionally cheating on him with you,’’ Kiara said, and then didn’t even give JJ a second to process her words before she continued, ‘’So, and I think these were his exact words, _it didn’t matter that I was his second option because he was my second option too_.’’

‘’That’s fuckin’ crazy. We never—,’’ he tried to say, but the words were stuck in his throat. ‘’You never—’’

‘’No, no, I get where he’s coming from,’’ Kiara interrupted, most definitely noticing JJ’s struggle to form a full sentence. ‘’Like, you were always the first person I called. When something good happened, or something bad, or even nothing at all and I just wanted to talk about random shit with you. And Ethan was many things, but he wasn’t dumb. He noticed how excited I always was to see you, and how I was never as excited to see him.’’

JJ pressed his palms to his forehead, only needing to grip onto something. He could already taste blood from biting the inside of his cheeks to hard, yet still somehow managed to find the strength to ask, ‘’What are you saying, Kie?’’

‘’I’m saying I regret it,’’ she sniffled between words, and JJ wanted nothing but to hold her tight and smell honey and lavender again. ‘’I regret the time I wasted and the things I didn’t say because, and _I know_ this might ruin our friendship but I have to say it before I chicken out, because I’ve fucking loved you since my stupid Kook year. You said hi to me at that party, you smiled at me, and I just knew that you were the person I missed the most.’’

If she said anything after that, JJ couldn’t make sense of it. His heart felt like a fist pounding the inside of his chest and all he could hear was white noise, and he had to run a finger clad hand through his salt-water-messy hair several times to bring his mind back to reality.

She was so, so far away. She would continue to be far away for a long time, and JJ could no longer be the young boy who’d have followed her anywhere — he wished he could be, but he had responsibilities now, people counting on him, an actual life plan that he hoped to follow through his time. 

Would he still have dropped everything if she asked? Yes. But he was sure he wouldn’t, and so her confession sounded much more like a goodbye than the beginning of something.

‘’If you could go back in time, would you?’’

She thought for a minute. JJ couldn’t help but wonder whether her hair was up and down, and if she was chewing on her fingernails to calm her nerves as she usually did. 

‘’I can’t.’’ Kiara said.

‘’But imagine you could,’’ his voice was clear but desperate, ‘’If you could go back and do things differently, do this, _us_ , differently, would you?’’

JJ was ready for her to say no. To tell him that she was where she needed to be, that them not ever getting a chance was a blessing in disguise and coming clean about her past feelings was the one and only closing she needed.

But instead, Kiara sighed and said, ‘’Yeah. I would.’’

And with that, JJ did the best thing he could ever do — asked John B to punch him in the face.

‘’What the fuck are you on about?’’ John B questioned, wide-eyed. Having his best friend barge into his room asking to be knocked unconscious was not something he expected of that day. 

‘’Bro, just _please_ do what I’m asking so that I can do things right with Kiara six years ago.’’

John B stood up from bed, dumbfounded. He stared at the blond boy head to toe as if he’d just grown an extra set of eyes, and asked, ‘’Are you on drugs? No, scratch that, are you on any hard drugs?’

‘’Just fuckin’ do it or I swear, next time I see Sarah Cameron, I’ll tell her you have a fat crush on her and save all of her bikini Instagram pics.’’

The brunette narrowed his eyes. ‘’You wouldn’t dare.’’

JJ half-smiled, his arms crossed. ‘’Try me, Johnny boy.’’

And John B punched him back all the way to 2018. 

He had to be fast. Even after all these years since first learning about his special skills, JJ hadn’t quite learned how to control the time he had in the past, the time he had to make things right. And now, he couldn’t waste a second — his life depended on it.

JJ ran straight towards her, not caring about the people he bumped into on the way. Kiara was surprised to see him so close after all the effort he’d put into avoiding her, but before she could say something his arms were around her. She was frozen only for a second, hands dangling useless at her sides, before she finally made sense of what was happening and hugged him back, tight and eager. 

He breathed her in. ‘’I love you, Kie,’’ JJ said, and it came out easy and effortless. ‘’I know what it’s like to regret not saying the stuff you want to say. So I’m sorry if this is weird, but I love you. And I miss you. And my life is pretty fuckin’ bland and meaningless without you in it.’’

There was fire in her brown eyes. ‘’I’m sorry if this is weird, but I love you too.’’

JJ always had a hard time grasping the concept of choices. Perhaps because he had infinite of them, because he could relieve and change every decision, it never quite seemed so important to get things right on the first try. 

Except Kiara was never a choice. She was part of his soul, his body, his mind — certain and unchangeable, there to stay since the first moment she came into his life. That empty hole in his chest that he’d had since birth no more screamed to be filled, and JJ no longer felt like an unfinished puzzle.

He wasn’t sure where he was at first, when he came back. It wasn’t the Outer Banks, that he was certain of — but he wasn’t scared, not even for a second. Because, when he turned around in bed, Kiara was by his side, all loose curls and golden skin. 

‘’Morning, bro,’’ her voice was husky and she placed a sloppy kiss on his neck. Breathing the same oxygen as her warmed his soul, and JJ’s heart skipped a beat when she said, eyes still closed, hair all over her face, ‘’Sorry if this is weird but I love you a lot.’’

And JJ had the strangest, most calming feeling that he’d not ever feel the urge to jump back again. For the first time in his life everything was beautiful, and he wouldn’t dare change a thing.

  
  
  


**_‘’I just try to live everyday as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one, to enjoy it, as if it was the final full day of my extraordinary, ordinary life’’_ **

_Tim, About Time (2013)_

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> come cry about jiara (and way too many other ships) with me on tumblr 🤍 @jiaaras


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